Introduction
Throughout our lives, we are subtly and overtly conditioned to adopt specific roles, behaviors, and expectations. These conditionings often come from family, culture, society, and personal experiences, shaping our identities and dictating how we “should be.”
While some of this conditioning is beneficial, helping us navigate social norms and build constructive habits, it can also create fear-based limitations that hold us back from our true potential. By understanding and challenging these ingrained patterns, we can uncover the fears that most hinder our progress and ultimately free ourselves to live more authentically and fully.
The Roots of Conditioning
From a young age, we receive messages about who we are supposed to be. These messages come from various sources:
Family Expectations: Our families often have specific expectations regarding our behavior, career choices, and lifestyles. These expectations can be explicit, such as being told to be nice or good or to pursue a particular profession, or implicit, like the silent pressure to conform to family traditions.
Cultural Norms: Culture plays a significant role in shaping our identities. The values and norms of the society we grow up in dictate what is considered acceptable or desirable. This can influence everything from our career paths to our personal relationships.
Societal Standards: Broader societal standards, reinforced by media and public discourse, can dictate what success looks like, how we should look and behave, and what life goals we should strive for. Take a look back across the recent decades and notice the culture: the fashion, careers du jour, music, and issues being discussed.
Personal Experiences: Our personal experiences, especially those that are emotionally charged, contribute to our conditioning. Traumatic experiences, in particular, can create deep-seated fears and beliefs that shape our behavior.
Understanding the Fear
Conditioning often comes with an underlying fear. This fear can take many forms, including the fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, of being harmed, and fear of the unknown. To uncover the fear that holds you back, it’s essential to reflect on the specific conditioning that you have internalized and question its validity.
Identifying Conditioned Beliefs
You can start by identifying the conditioned beliefs that dominate your thoughts and actions. These beliefs can often be recognized by statements that begin with “I should” or “I must.” For example:
- “I should be successful by a certain age.”
- “I must always be polite and never express anger.”
- “I should conform to societal standards of beauty.”
- “I should never show weakness.”
Once you’ve identified these beliefs, ask yourself where they come from. Are they your beliefs, or have they been imposed on you by external sources?
Challenging Conditioned Beliefs
Challenging conditioned beliefs involves questioning their validity and exploring their origins. Here are some steps to help you do this:
Reflect: Take time to reflect on each belief. Write down where you think it originated and how it has influenced your behavior and decisions.
Question: Ask yourself whether this belief serves your true self. Is it helping you grow and thrive or holding you back? What would happen if you let go of this belief?
Reframe: Reframe the belief in a way that aligns with your authentic self. For example, instead of “I should be successful by a certain age,” you could believe, “Success is a personal journey, and it’s never too late to achieve my goals.”
Uncovering the Fear
You’ll likely uncover the underlying fear once you’ve challenged your conditioned beliefs. This fear is often deeply ingrained and can be difficult to face. However, acknowledging it is the first step towards overcoming it.
Common Fears and Their Impact
Here are some common fears that conditioning can create, along with their potential impact:
Fear of Failure: This fear can lead to procrastination, avoidance of challenges, and settling for less than one is capable of achieving. It often stems from the belief that failure is unacceptable and one’s worth is tied to success.
Fear of Rejection: The fear of being rejected can make you overly cautious in relationships and reluctant to express your true self. It may arise from a belief that you need to be liked by everyone to be worthy.
Fear of Not Being Good Enough: This fear can result in perfectionism, self-doubt, and a constant need for validation. It usually comes from the belief that you must meet specific standards to be valued.
- Fear of Being Controlled: The fear of being controlled can cause you to be oppositional and resist the ideas or direction of others. It stems from the belief that others will manipulate and misuse you.
Fear of the Unknown: The fear of uncertainty can cause you to cling to the familiar and avoid taking risks. It often stems from the belief that the unknown is dangerous and unpredictable.
How Our Brains Are Wired to Keep Us from Experiencing Our Deepest Fears
Our brains are hardwired to protect us from danger, a mechanism that has been crucial for survival throughout human evolution. This protective instinct, however, can also prevent us from confronting and overcoming our deepest fears. Understanding how our brains work to keep us safe can help us devise strategies to move past these limitations.
The Brain’s Protective Mechanisms
The Amygdala: The amygdala is the part of the brain responsible for processing emotions, particularly fear. When faced with a perceived threat, the amygdala triggers the fight-or-flight response, preparing the body to either confront or escape the danger. This response is beneficial in life-threatening situations but can be triggered by non-lethal fears, such as fear of failure or rejection, causing us to avoid situations that provoke these fears.
The Prefrontal Cortex: The prefrontal cortex, responsible for complex cognitive behavior and decision-making, works with the amygdala to assess threats. When the prefrontal cortex deems a situation as risky, it can generate anxiety and caution, leading to avoidance behaviors that keep us within our comfort zones.
Neuroplasticity: The brain’s ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections, known as neuroplasticity, is a double-edged sword. While it allows us to learn and adapt, it also means that repeated avoidance of fears can strengthen neural pathways that reinforce this behavior, making it harder to break free from conditioned responses.
Strategies the Brain Uses to Avoid Deep Fears
Rationalization: The brain often rationalizes avoidance behavior by creating logical reasons for not confronting fears. For example, you might convince yourself that you’re not ready for a promotion because you need more experience, even though the underlying fear is of failure or rejection.
Distraction: Keeping busy with tasks and distractions is another way the brain avoids dealing with deep fears. This can manifest as overworking, excessive screen time, or other activities that prevent introspection.
Denial: Denial is a defense mechanism where the brain refuses to acknowledge the existence of certain fears. This can lead to a lack of self-awareness and prevent personal growth.
Projection: Projecting fears onto others is a way of deflecting internal discomfort. For instance, if you fear not being good enough, you might criticize others to feel better about yourself.
Facing and Overcoming the Fear
Facing your fear involves a combination of self-awareness, courage, and support. Here are some steps to help you overcome it:
Acknowledge the Fear: Recognize that the fear exists and that it has been influencing your behavior. Acknowledging it takes away some of its power.
Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a coach about your fear. They can provide valuable insights and encouragement as you work through it.
Take Small Steps: Start by taking small, manageable steps towards facing your fear. For example, if you fear failure, try taking on a new challenge that has low stakes.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself as you navigate your fears. Understand that everyone has fears and that facing them is a courageous act.
Embrace Growth: View challenges and setbacks as opportunities for growth rather than as indicators of failure. Embracing a growth mindset can help you reframe your fear and move forward.
Conditioning creates fear-based limitations that can hold us back from living authentically and fully. By identifying and challenging these conditioned beliefs, we can uncover the underlying fears and take steps to overcome them. This journey requires self-awareness, courage, and support, but the rewards are immense. As you break free from the fears that hold you back, you’ll discover a more authentic, empowered version of yourself, capable of achieving your true potential.
Remember, the path to overcoming fear is a personal journey, and it’s never too late to start. Embrace the process, and celebrate each step you take towards a more authentic and fulfilling life.
Invitation to Join "Breaking Through the Inner Glass Ceiling"
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Hi! I'm Terri Altschul
As a transformational potential coach, I aim to support your personal and professional growth without sacrificing your well-being. I look forward to meeting you!
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Terri Altschul Coaching
Terri Altschul is an ICF PCC – a Certified Coach with more than 3,500 coaching sessions. She has trained and coached individuals and groups at all stages of their career and lives in Fortune 100 and 500 companies, Start-ups, and Non-Profit organizations. One of her special gifts is helping you see your untapped potential and identifying the blockers to that potential.
