Unfinished business is something we all carry within us. A relationship that ended poorly. The job that didn’t work out. All the little cuts and disappointments that leave us hanging in life. I have had my share of these too.
One of the most significant pieces of unfinished business I carried within myself for years was my relationship with my dad.
My Dad and I had a problematic relationship for as long as I can remember. He was an angry man. His words and actions towards his children and my mother were violent. And as the only girl in the family, he seemed to have a unique brand of contempt toward me.
When I turned 38, I was finally ready to move on. I told my dad that I was three raising boys and would not allow myself to be demeaned any longer nor give my young sons the impression that I thought it was acceptable for their mother – or any woman – to be spoken to the way he spoke to me. I gave my dad the condition that he needed to talk to me respectfully, or I would not allow him to be part of my life. We never spoke again. Even during those years of silence – albeit much more peaceful – I hoped we would one day make peace.
Fifteen years later, I got the call that dad was admitted to the hospital. He was at the end of his life. When we took him home for hospice, I stayed and helped with the hospice nurse, made food for visitors, and supported my family members. I held his hand, sang to him, and said the things I’d hoped we would speak to one another one day.
As he drifted away, I was left with unfulfilled hopes and dreams that would never happen between us. We would never have the loving father-daughter relationship I always wanted. I would never be “daddy’s little girl.” We would never make peace and express kind or caring words to each other. He would never know my children. The list goes on.
The year following his death, I attended a coaching workshop and heard the term “unfinished business” for the first time. This terminology struck a highly deep emotional cord within me. I suddenly felt agitated, upset, and near tears. My rational mind started spiraling, but before this inner critical voice could take me down a dark hole, the facilitator approached me, and I had a deep experiential learning about how we can find closure and peace even if the person we want to close with is not available to us. I learned about the Gestalt principle of “unfinished business” and ways to find closure for ourselves.
How do we say goodbye and let go when the person(s) we want to say this to is not available to us?
Terri Altschul Coaching
Terri Altschul is an ICF PCC – a Certified Coach with more than 3,500 coaching sessions. She has trained and coached individuals and groups at all stages of their career and lives in Fortune 100 and 500 companies, Start-ups, and Non-Profit organizations. One of her special gifts is helping you see your untapped potential and identifying the blockers to that potential.
